Hustle, Hustle, Hustle, Cry, Cry, Cry

by on October 17, 2011

Kasi-eyelashes

My old lashes. Ignore the ugly brow.

Not too long after my diagnosis, I heard M.I.A.’s song Hussel while I was driving. Although the song has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m going through, the chorus is “Hustle, hustle, hustle, cry, cry, cry” and that’s exactly how I feel sometimes. Hustling through stupid chemo, radiation, and my exchange surgery to a day when my hair grows back to the way it was before I lost it. A day when I look like my old self. Well, as much as I possibly can. But I often find myself looking in the mirror or at old photos and crying. I definitely don’t cry as much as I used to about this whole thing but I do cry. As if it’s not bad enough to lose the nice, long hair I had on my head, I have to lose my eyebrows and eyelashes, too. And dammit, I had good eyelashes. Check it (and I have no idea why I ever took this photo).

I am trying to be as positive as I can about all of this, but sometimes it’s really hard. Like, really hard. I was saying today to this awesomely cool woman I met online out in Cali who is also going through BC, it’s like it takes more than double the time to put makeup on my face and make the wig look decent just to look half the way I used to look. Back in the day, if I was running late, I would skip the makeup and it would be ok. Granted, I love makeup but I felt comfortable going without if need be. Not anymore. Me without makeup right now is not suitable for the public. Ouch. So not attractive. When I’m getting all worked up about the current state of my appearance, my husband tries to tell me that confidence is ultimately the most attractive quality. And then I tell him the person who said that did not have cancer.

Giuliana Rancic went public with her breast cancer diagnosis this morning. My Mom texted me about it. I was shocked. From what I can tell, she is doing a lumpectomy and radiation. It’s funny because now when I read about a breast cancer diagnosis, I immediately want to know all the details. Is it ER/PR+? HER2 positive? Lymph nodes involved? In situ? I know so much about breast cancer it’s to the point that I wish I didn’t. I tweeted at her and wished her well.

Just finished Taxol #2 this past Thursday. Only 2 more to go. TWO MORE! November 10th is the day, people. Last one. I can’t wait to start growing my hair back and not feeling sick all the time. I have forgotten what it’s like to feel healthy and have energy on a consistent basis. Although I have to say that Taxol has been much more kind to me than the AC was.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Lori October 24, 2011 at 12:15 pm

YEY! 1/2 way through the Taxol! keep going strong! My mom told me about GR last week, I’m so out of it, I didn’t know who it was, but now I see her everywhere…and yes the deets are all important. There is a woman in my Gilda’s club who had HER2 positive diagnosis, so it will be interesting to hear about her experience with Herceptin. Love you! Pixie

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Kasi October 24, 2011 at 11:40 pm

Hi Lori! Thanks for stopping by!! You are almost through AC, you can do it! Then it will be so much better!!!! Hope you’re feeling good! Love you, Pixie! :-)

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